It has become clear over this past weekend that all the networking meetings and evening events in town that I’ve been attending in the attempt to connect with the design industry have been taking a high toll on Kendra. All my attention and focus has been on the struggle to wear a business hat. I help put the kids to bed but then feel compelled to work on developing skills, researching, web development, etc. When midnight rolls around I try to wind down or “escape” with an episode of The Fringe. I wake up pretty groggy as usual and start the whole cycle again. At times like this Kendra carries extra and starts to feel taken advantage of, underappreciated. Things can get emotionally charged with both of us and the kids ended up being in the middle of our arguments all Saturday. It started with Kendra riding Tallie really hard about pouting and managing her expectations. I saw Tallie getting quite distressed feeling like Kendra was misunderstanding her (I know the feeling). Eventually I stepped in and told her it was enough, that her point was made and it needed to settle down. Kendra didn’t agree and kept after Tallie until I snapped and yelled at her to stop (as Tallie fled the room). Kendra stubbornly denied that she was doing anything wrong and that I should leave…I threw the wash cloth I had in my hand at her. All my emotions of feeling misunderstood and chastised by Kendra when she gets tired and emotionally charged surfaced as I saw it happening to Tallie. Sure Tallie needed to address her attitude but something in the way it was being handled flet over the top. And yet Kendra never recognizes how she affects people through her emotions or how strongly they register.
We went back and forth several times later that day trying to work things out. Tallie hates it when we argue, even mildly, and sounded distressed. Caleb ended up hiding in the bathroom cabinet to try to get away from it. Both were scared that we were going to get divorced. It is an awful thing to see the suffering of your children and even worse to know that you are the cause. Oh God, give us the grace and the strength of will not to go there again!
As the post title suggests, I feel it is time now to get a job. I have been resisting this eventuality and holding off as long as possible…but the cost now seems to outweigh the reasons to stay freelance.