Category: Journal

My 10th anniversary with Kendra is truly an occasion to celebrate the kindness of God. His gift of Kendra in my life has been a sort of breakthrough kindness in the sense that it has surpassed all others in demonstrating the heart of God for me, the depths of His love beyond all doubt. I could never have contrived a better match and if I had it would have been far too predictable and quickly lose all sense of discovery and mystery. Through Kendra God has brought a deeper settledness about who I am which is rooted in the belief that God delights in me…even when i’m not living up to my potential or demonstrating His love very well. It continues to capture the seat of my affections and keep alive a passion to serve my King. This is something increasingly difficult to maintain it seems, even among believers. So many currents push the other way and seem to carry many that we love downstream. We hold on to the belief that God will be faithful in their lives even as we thank Him for his faithfulness in ours.

note from Joyce today:

What A Wonderful Ten Years It’s Been!

It has been such a joy watching you grow in your love for each other – a love which will always give your children strength and security.

You no longer have time to sit and gaze at the changing beauty of God’s creation but I hope you find a few moments to gaze into each other’s eyes and admire the wonderful person God gave you to be your mate.

Love you,
Momma

I drove down to mom and dad’s today for no other reason than to cry for my brother’s farewell. If I hadn’t listened to this inner prompting that i needed to finish something i would have missed a key opportunity to both experience and express the heart of God. I’m afraid there is nothing that expresses the depth of love one has for another quite like a heartfelt cry. and today i stood at the confluence of God’s love and my own natural affinity for my brother. It was a mix of many emotions that ordinarily would be too confusing to decipher and therefore left on the shelf…but God is slowly introducing me again to the person created in His image that is within me. This person cares deeply about others and is not afraid of vulnerability in showing it. Today i let it all out…and once i finished my heaving sobs God gave me help to express my emotions…that i felt the loss of his family not being able to share experiences with my own, that our children couldn’t play together, that i couldn’t be there as a regular support for him. I can’t understand why God has him walking a difficult road alone without much family or friendship support…but i trust God’s wisdom in shaping J-M’s life and character. I expressed the deep conviction i feel that God is delighted in J-M and wants him to know that with great assurance. Dad also felt need to confirm this and expressed the same thing in his own words, explaining that his father had never felt free to express his delight in his children verbally but dad wanted to say to us (his kids) that he delights in us. It was an important memory in our family history to mark. Last night was another memory (at Kendra’s suggestion) of worshipping together, the five of us plus Brian and a couple of the Thiessen kids. Worship and music within a family is a precious thing…a gift that ought to be picked up with greater frequency.

Yesterday I went in to see Dr. Barry Rich at the No Scalpel Vasectomy clinic. He keeps a good sense of humor about him which helps keep the atmosphere light. In the end it was easier than going to the dentist. It’s a bit tender now but i’m taking it easy for a few days. It’s harder on Kendra really than it is on me since she has to fill in more to cover me. A few more weeks and we can put to rest any nervous concern about accidentally getting pregnant again. Yahoo! Honestly I did have a brief period of realization that our little Caitly would be our last experience of the baby stage. the sadness lasts a few moments but gives way to the rational understanding that we have as much as we can handle and 3 girls will keep me busy for many years to come.

If i could be guaranteed a boy would I consider another? Don’t ask me, the job has been done, the ship has sailed.

Caitlyn full on laughed this afternoon. it was a riot. Kendra was making faces and getting her to peel with laughter. Video camera comes out and it’s all gone….bah.

After much deliberation, listening, stress and uncertainty, we’ve decided to stay in our house here for the remainder of our time here until we’re ready to move to the US. A part of me really wanted to move past this chapter of selling and have it over so we don’t have to worry anymore about upkeep and maintenance and can use some of the funds to take care of dental needs…right now we don’t have any savings for that and without the income from the suite and extra costs of immigration documents, etc., we’ve run dry. But after 40+ showings it became clear to me that the Lord wasn’t blessing that course of action at this time. Time to back up. Our mortgage term is due and lot’s of big decisions are upon us. It’s a good place to be when you need the Lord to provide…we see more clearly what a great Father he is (although i can feel pretty stressed some of the time). I feel my level of trust in the Lord being stretched through my unanswered questions and lack of clear direction from Him. I’m being asked to believe that it’s all going to work out and is all well in hand.

I had a dream a couple weeks ago where i was dealing with some government official about my paperwork for entry to the united states. We came to the end of my requirements and all seemed in order…then my children came up and i mentioned that we had received birth abroad status for them. the official looked at Caleb and said that it would be 18 months before they would be able to enter the country. I don’t have any sense that this is supposed to be significant from the Lord in some way but thought i’d jot it down in case some meaning is attached to that time frame. Lord, let your will be done. We are here to serve you and want your name to be loved through this adventure.

To my nephew Tyus,
It’s a great honor to write these words of both encouragement and counsel as we invite you into the journey of manhood. Although the adventures of boyhood still fill the skies of your horizon, you have set foot today on a path that will lead quickly away from the realm of the child and on toward the calling God has been equipping you for and towards the particular influence you are meant to have in this world. I’m excited about what that will be and delighted in the young man you are becoming. I have always enjoyed watching the way you have interacted with our son and taken time to both entertain and enjoy him. Kendra and I are both proud of the kind heart God has given you and we thank him for this gift in you. Perhaps some of the gentleness and kindness of our grandpa George has been passed to you. The one thing that makes you quite different from him is how well you are able to have fun and let yourself go when the occasion arises. That is also something we appreciate about you…that you are not cold, distant and aloof like a lot of young people who are “too cool for school” and really just covering up their fear that they might be mocked or appear like a fool if they do anything peculiar that draws attention.

Your musical interest and gifting is also starting to show itself and I’m very curious to see if that becomes a growing passion in your future…no pressure though.

I was working in my office listening to this song by Tree63 when the lyrics stood out to me and seemed to speak to my heart (or to say the words in my heart) and affirm me in our direction of faith before the Lord. Yesterday was a day that started with celebration (easter) and a great family time and then ended in emotional exhaustion as we decided to let go of an offer on our house…reluctantly, but feeling this direction from the lord. We just didn’t have a sense of peace about moving forward and God’s word to me was to “continue to walk in the path of peace I have led you in.” In the end it felt like the enemy was just wasting our time and causing upheaval in our emotions…especially Kendra. She’s so spent physically after 30 house shoppers and around 25 showings . It’s hard not to doubt our decision in that place. Yet the Lord is faithful and we will see his hand come to us and lift up our hearts. I can’t let go of this.

It’s All About to Change (Songwriters: Ellis, John Andrew)

It’s the same thing, the same dream every time
You’re running in a straight line
Speeding through the light

And you’re stronger than you’ve ever been
In a place you’ve never seen
And everything is right

And something’s calling
Something’s haunting you
And you want it – and you want it

Chorus:
It’s all about to change
Nothing stays the same
It’s getting closer every single day

It’s all about to change
It’ll never be the same
Any day now you will start again

And you wake, a stranger to your bed
But science tells your head
That nothing looks the same in the light

And your day’s spent looking for the dream
Is it going to come again?
Could anything be so bright?

Hear it calling
All day long
And you want it – and you want it

(Chorus)

Don’t you wanna go, don’t you wanna go?
It’s the same thing, everytime

Well, everything you know and everything that you believe
Far away, far away

This is an excerpt from messiahfellowshiponline.com that describes their perspective which is one i progressively seem to be moving towards and seems to give a clear response to the misunderstandings and accusations that naturally arise in response to a growing enthusiasm for understanding Hebrew perspectives. These responses have occured in my own thoughts as i’ve wrestled with the revelation of the number of holes there appear to be in our western evangelical understanding of Bible history and a God-inspired worldview. I appreciate seeing  groups of people coming to the same conclusions and trying to walk in a place of balance that seeks to embrace the truth  about Torah observance and yet avoid legalistic adoption of regulations:

Who we are AND who we are Not!

Though it’s been stated (mostly by those who do not know us), but also by those who think that they know us, that we “have become Jewish” or “Messianic” or “legalistic” etc… the truth is we have not become any of those things!

Have we become Jewish?

The facts are that JESUS / YESHUA (HIS Hebrew Name) was born into the Jewish tribe of Judah. HE came to fulfill prophesy given through over 4000 years concerning HIS Life, HIS Ministry and HIS commitment to the Covenant people of YHWH, who ended up being referred to as the JEWISH people! Contrary to popular belief today, JESUS walked in PERFECT harmony to The Law given by YHWH (GOD ALMIGHTY), though HE did break their traditions and man made laws on several occasions! Even though we do not believe that we have been grafted into ISRAEL (thus becoming Jewish), we do believe that we have been grafted into “the Vine”, MESSIAH, by faith in HIM and what HE did and is doing in/through HIS People (all who place their trust in HIS Atoning work on the cross). So really, as we experience being “in HIM”, it stands to reason that we will take on HIS characteristics, virtues and values more and more as we obey HIS Word and “walk just as HE walked.” (1 John 2:6)

Have we become Messianic?

Some have also mistakenly labeled us “Messianic.” This must be because we have distanced ourselves from the unbiblical practices of “Sunday Sabbath keeping” as well as the traditional holidays of “traditional Christianity” and have begun to observe the biblical Sabbath and the biblical Feasts of YHWH. Most Christians make the mistake of calling HIS Feasts “Jewish Feasts” because for almost 1700 years that is what has been taught, thinking that “all of those people for all of those years couldn’t be wrong!?” Or could they? Speaking absolutely biblically, for 1700 years MANY, if not most were wrong! But not all! Nowhere in the Scriptures do we see a mandate from GOD, HIS SON nor the HOLY SPIRIT to change HIS Sabbath or HIS Feast Days, or to relegate them to ONLY be observed by Jewish people! (See Leviticus 23 / Isaiah 56 / Mat 5:17) So, because we began to take HIS Word literally and to observe HIS Feast Days (including the 7^th Day Sabbath), many folks have come to the conclusion that “if they haven’t become Jewish, then surely they must be Messianic!” We chuckle about this, but seriously we are no more interested in the extra and/or unbiblical, traditional practices of Messianic Judaism than we are interested in the extra and/or unbiblical, man-made traditions of professing Christendom! This error seems to come from a general misunderstanding of biblical obedience consists of altogether, which leads us to discuss a third accusation; that we “have become Legalistic.”

…there is more on the main homepage of this site http://messiahfellowshiponline.com/

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The other day Tallie said to Kendra, “mommie, why do you always not laugh when I try to make you laugh and you do laugh when i’m not trying to be funny.” I’ve seen this frustrate/dishearten her on other occasions when she was working hard to do something funny and it was just too much striving until the kernel of humor was killed beyond the point of reviving. the most hilarious things come out of her when she’s just being herself and funny observations or behaviors come out of her. In the same way the most heartwarming things that affect our heart as parents are when we see spontaneous love that the kids express to each other or the moments when they stop to take genuine delight in their little sisters (Karina or Caitlyn). They are just enjoying themselves and noticing the delightful qualities of the little ones before them and yet our hearts fill up with joy and pride in who they are. Nothing contrived…they are not looking over their shoulders to make sure someone is watching their good deeds.

I caught a glimpse in this exchange of the way God must take delight in us. I think it is simply in the act of being who we were made to be, natural and unencumbered, that God finds great delight in us. When we begin to strive to please him or labor after righteousness or think for a moment that we can add anything to the gift of righteousness he has given us, we begin to obscure the image of who he made us to be. We reach too hard after something that was always there inherent in our design…the ability to bring great delight to His heart. Much like sin (which in Hebrew translates to something similar to “missing the mark”) we begin to muddy the water of our interchange with God, feel it difficult to find his approval, wonder what it would take to really please him, say things like, “what does he want from me?”

The moment we cast off our striving, rest in what he has done for us, and begin to live freely and naturally in the knowledge that his delight is in us, we begin to hear his laughter reverberate in our ears as we clumsily express our love to each other, do things that appear silly to the minds of grownups as we express our devotion to Him…and a thousand other things every day that endear us to his heart. the lesson to me here is not to overthink this life, especially those natural reactions to God’s love and kindness made known to me.

We got hit with 2 very difficult hurdles since we returned to BC from Auntie Marion’s funeral in Oregon. The first was that we picked up the flu on our visit to Oregon and my wife and 3 of my kids all have had fevers and sleepless nights since then (5 days)…that alone makes it seem as though the sky is caving in sometimes. Then we heard from our realtor that the financing for the buyer of our house fell through and he couldn’t get the banks to lend him the money (apparently they found something on his record about negligence with child support payments). With all the efforts involved with house showings it is a discouraging blow. I feel God has made us aware again of the spiritual battle that surrounds many of our activities and we feel that this move is a significant step of faith for us…especially me. I feel like God has assured me that he is in control and his help his coming but our faith is being tested…with his grace it may also be strengthened. The one encouraging factor that I hold on to is that for this much resistance to our steps of faith to occur, there must be something significant on the other side waiting for us and we will continue to persevere.

edit: I can see from previous posts that i’m repeating myself here a bit…a sign of the mental state of delirium i’m in with sleep loss. Ah, time to have a bit of a laugh at ourselves.

God has a plan and we must not lose hope or give in to despair even though, as Kendra said, “this has been the hardest year of my life.” In many ways I feel that this seems to parallel the birthing process and we are in the throes of birth pains where uncertainties tend to creep into the mind, i.e. “will it ever come, will things really change?” But God is faithful, has always been faithful, and we will not give way to doubt.