God has stepped in again repeatedly these last few days to remind me that He cares, that he is with us, that he will provide. Twice recently he reminded me of the Matthew passage of his provision for the birds and how much more he cares for us. Once yesterday with Kendra reading the kids bible…it stated it so wonderfully, simply, full of God’s tone of tenderness. Again today listening to a message by Andre Rabe on God overturning the ritual of sacrifice he ends on this picture of God’s love, Jesus learning about the love of the father in human form as he observes the birds and flowers around him…he speaks the language of creation, knows it comes from the father and hears the message of love and favor that is intended to come through creation around us. He passes on this lesson he learned through his own experience on earth…not head knowledge that came through teaching but real struggle and dialog with God…listening to his voice through the world around him.
Again, I don’t know why we are called to wait so long in dependence on the Lord without new direction or leads for work but he seems to be going out of his way to assure me that he is for me, with me, and knows how to provide. My heart is lifted again in this moment. Tomorrow I will likely need this bread again and will trust him to hold my head above water. This evening Paul came by and wanted to pray with me. He started by confessing he should have come weeks earlier when he had the impression but that he puts things off and often waits until things are in crisis before responding. I simply said I was glad he came and really appreciated his prayer for Blessing, peace and favor on us…and protection from discouragement and untruths of the enemy, from depression.
After this big project that was supposed to move ahead with Craig and keep us busy over the next few weeks fell through, I felt peace in the moment…coming home from his office. I even wrote him an email and prayed that God would lift any burden of responsibility off him. Today, the next day, however, I felt discouraged…like my efforts were futile and not going anywhere. I found it hard to think clear, focus on the next thing to do and get something done. I suppose God knows better than I where my breaking point is and I will endeavor to put his encouragement to good effect to fend off despair and continue moving forward in trust and confidence. I long to grow in leaning into God in my weakness and need rather than turning to distraction and escape…which is to pacify my fear that God will not be able to provide what I need or fulfill my dreams and desires. This is my threshing floor and my whole future of walking more fully in His joy and freedom is on the line. it is in the balance.