Tallie tells me about Caity getting really worked up in the car one day. Her face is all red and she’s not a happy camper. She yells out, ” i’m so angry I’m going to go home and watch a really angry movie with people hitting each other.”
Last week I was making something for lunch and taking a small piece of some provolone that was left over from Kendra’s birthday. Tallie pipes up for a piece of provolone as well…”I love provolone”. I tell her the last time i had a whole piece it gave me gas and she better watch it. She smiles and says, “that’s ok, it’s worth it.” I asked if she was sure and she was totally down with it.
Later that same day we’re driving in the van and Caleb let’s out a yell of disgust blaming Tallie for letting loose on some really stinky gas bombs in the back seat. He’s thoroughly unimpressed and Tallie’s trying to say she can’t help it and it’s not that bad….then admits that it’s kind of bad. I say to everyone, “it’s ok, I warned Tallie about this earlier and she said it would be worth it…so it’s ok.”
Now we ask Tallie when she asks for something to eat, “would you like some provolone with that?”
Caty is playing in the living room, she finds a tiny moth indoors and decides to catch it. holding it by the wing she talks to it and wants to make friends with this new creature. Letting it go she notices it isn’t flying so well and catches it again to help it go outside. I explain to her that by holding it’s wing she’s actually wrecking it…because she’s so big and scary to the little moth even if she’s trying to be nice she’s too strong for such a delicate little moth. she takes it outside on the deck to let it go “free.” Next thing I hear as I’m making lunch for them is her hopping around after the moth saying “I’m not actually a monster, I promise I’m not.”
aaah…some gaps are just too big to cross in the order of things…no matter how much we wish it wasn’t so.
I met a funny man from Kalimantan
he swam across the desert, then he melted into sand
I asked him did it hurt a lot, he said “I’m feeling fine,
but I’d be thinking better if I hadn’t lost my mind”
Oooooh, the cool wind blows
and where it’s blowin no one knows
but it sure keeps us on our toes
that’s how it goes, that’s how it goes
I went to see a king who got eaten by a frog
I sang a song beside him on his favorite hollow log
he tried to sing along with me but something in his throat
sang out even louder, it turned out to be a…GOAT
I knew a big man who built big trucks
with sprockets in his pockets and twenty seven bucks
he drove into the jungle for to catch himself a croc
but the only thing he caught there was a case of chicken pox
My friend chef Pierre has hardly any hair
he blows his nose in hoses at the center of the fair
he looks so very cute in his polka dotted suit
strolling through the city with his purple spotted newt
Although in prior chapters God appears to be demanding credit for the judgement and destruction that is coming on Jerusalem, laying the bones of their people around the destruction of their high places, Chapter 16 gives a peek at how far their wickedness had gone. God seemed to want to make it clear that he was responsible for what happened to his people, both blessing and punishment. Even though it wasn’t physically his hand but the hands of their enemies he wanted to make it clear that they knew he was behind it and he was their God. Is it possible God was “playing” a role he despised because of how pervasive and warped their evil had become…that he was stooping to use tactics of fear because it was the only emotion or influence they would respond to in their headlong pursuit of other gods (wanting desperately to be like other nations to the point of shocking even them with how exaggerated their behavior was). Rather than being an intended light to the nations displaying the glory of God they were an embarrassment to the nations displaying the most twisted and distorted forms of religion. In such brutal and tribal times was there another way for God to act?
Isn’t it perhaps a testament to the revolutionary influence of Christ over the ages that we can even sit here in our time perplexed by the violence of these old biblical accounts and even question whether scripture that describes the wrath of God is truly representing him…whether his prophets were truly speaking his very words rather than representing him the best they knew how. These are matters for deep reflection that perplex me. We truly need God’s Spirit to sift through the scriptures and to find the threads of the true spirit of Christ running through them.
I’ve been under tremendous pressure with Kendra this past year. I don’t know why I’m holding out for freelance leads anymore. I just feel tired of the race. A lot of time has passes by since I met with Crush Creative and I know even more time will pass before anyone will act in response to an introduction like the newsletter I developed. I put a lot of work into that promo piece and will use parts of it on my website but the main person there appears to be far too busy to even look at what I’ve developed, let alone give me feedback. And I’m kind of running out of time, which of course is no fault of anyone. It’s just the reality I’m facing of not having time left to get this new initiative off the ground and actually make myself visible to the creative industry in this area. One or two good leads would make a big difference in my current course and help me get a foot in the door. I actually had a lot of interest from Gallo wines for a rush project through 52 Ltd. (talent agency) but they got stalled in the paperwork on their end and the deadline for their project passed. Aaaach. Working with freelancers is kind of new for 52 Ltd. and the contract details needed a bit of time to sort out. Still don’t know if they got it set up for the future or decided not to proceed.
And working with Lee at USBioplastics has been good as we know each other and there’s lots we could do together. But funding isn’t there yet and I really don’t kow what to expect this time around. Communication has been like go go and then silence…no money, no communication, late on things…then go go again. I really need something dependable right now or I just can’t justify this freelance thing. It’s too hard on Kendra and me and affects the whole family. I am feeling confirmed in my heart that I need to make a change this next month and see what other doors God might open. I have asked God to show me this month if I’m to stay in this freelance direction by bringing a new lead my way. If I don’t see any new connection or solid lead by the end of September I need to start getting the word out to look for a job with a company somewhere. There have been so many promising directions and enquiries this past year that have evaporated or stetched on in timeframes without solidifying. Everything from long term potential partnerships to big projects to small projects. I don’t know how much more disappointment I can handle here without succumbing to depression.
The one thing recently that’s holding my head above water is the generous gift of an oven from Shawn and his encouraging prayer and support. I feel like expressing my discouragement to Kendra would only magnify her own fears and concerns and so I have to find strength and belief that we’ll make it through this. As Paul (pappa) said in a newsletter for prayer support to our friends, we need someone like Joshua to hold up our arms in trusting the Lord with peace in our hearts, not succumbing to discouragement or turning to useless escapes.
God, I need real solid steps I can act on. Everything is so uncertain and nebulous right now I just have no idea even what to pursue that might be marketable. Father, hear my prayer, have compassion on me as I find my way and guide my blind steps with a sure and gentle hand.
funny things Caity says:
7/21/13 After a late night for Tallie’s birthday with Caity staying up ’til 11:30…next night after dinner, FHV show I’m trying to brush their teeth in their room and Caity is avoiding me saying, it’s not night time yet. “yes it is” I say. “No it’s not…we already did sleeping.” somehow she’s conviced that they just went to bed quite recently and I must be mistaken.
Last night walking home from the pool she looks up in the sky and says, “is that an airplane?” I tell her yes it is. She says “it has a little red button” meaning the “little” flashing red light she sees.
God has stepped in again repeatedly these last few days to remind me that He cares, that he is with us, that he will provide. Twice recently he reminded me of the Matthew passage of his provision for the birds and how much more he cares for us. Once yesterday with Kendra reading the kids bible…it stated it so wonderfully, simply, full of God’s tone of tenderness. Again today listening to a message by Andre Rabe on God overturning the ritual of sacrifice he ends on this picture of God’s love, Jesus learning about the love of the father in human form as he observes the birds and flowers around him…he speaks the language of creation, knows it comes from the father and hears the message of love and favor that is intended to come through creation around us. He passes on this lesson he learned through his own experience on earth…not head knowledge that came through teaching but real struggle and dialog with God…listening to his voice through the world around him.
Again, I don’t know why we are called to wait so long in dependence on the Lord without new direction or leads for work but he seems to be going out of his way to assure me that he is for me, with me, and knows how to provide. My heart is lifted again in this moment. Tomorrow I will likely need this bread again and will trust him to hold my head above water. This evening Paul came by and wanted to pray with me. He started by confessing he should have come weeks earlier when he had the impression but that he puts things off and often waits until things are in crisis before responding. I simply said I was glad he came and really appreciated his prayer for Blessing, peace and favor on us…and protection from discouragement and untruths of the enemy, from depression.
After this big project that was supposed to move ahead with Craig and keep us busy over the next few weeks fell through, I felt peace in the moment…coming home from his office. I even wrote him an email and prayed that God would lift any burden of responsibility off him. Today, the next day, however, I felt discouraged…like my efforts were futile and not going anywhere. I found it hard to think clear, focus on the next thing to do and get something done. I suppose God knows better than I where my breaking point is and I will endeavor to put his encouragement to good effect to fend off despair and continue moving forward in trust and confidence. I long to grow in leaning into God in my weakness and need rather than turning to distraction and escape…which is to pacify my fear that God will not be able to provide what I need or fulfill my dreams and desires. This is my threshing floor and my whole future of walking more fully in His joy and freedom is on the line. it is in the balance.
I take a cue here from the great William James. James once observed:
If this life is not a real fight, in which something is eternally gained for the universe by success, it is no better than a game of private theatricals from which one may withdraw at will. But it feels like a real fight.
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Location:SE 13th Pl,Canby,United States
Caity’s making a card for Ajeya and drawing lot’s of girls. “What you drawin,” I ask. “I’m drawing girls.” Why you like to draw girls? “Because they’re beautiful.” “Don’t you want to draw beautiful boys too?”
“Boys aren’t beautiful!”
“Cuz they don’t have eyelashes”
– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Location:SE 13th Pl,Canby,United States